Let's Go to the Mall
by JustSaraNoH
Summary: River takes the Doctor shopping only to have to deal with his horrible taste in fashion. 100% fluff.


NOTES: I own nothing relating to Doctor Who, don't sue. This was written as part of a ficathon. My prompt for this fic was **River brings the Doctor clothes shopping, only to end up being the one dragged around the shops by him and his insatiable thirst for horrible clothing. **Thanks to Charina for the beta. Enjoy the fluff.

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River Song etched another tally to her mental count of incarcerated days. This day brought her total to 1482. The number truly didn't matter to her, especially with her frequent escapes and escapades, but the few times she was allowed to congregate with her fellow Stormcage prisoners, sharing your day count was a kind of common greeting. And she might as well try and keep up some appearance of being a routine prisoner.

As she contemplated how to spend her day, she heard a familiar wheezing that solidified her schedule for her. The TARDIS pulsed its way into the corridor outside her cell. Seconds later, a tuxedo clad Doctor emerged twirling his sonic cane.

"Dinner date, River. We've been invited to dine with Her Royal Majesty of Sanzard IV."

"Ooh, sounds like fun," she responded. "But are you sure they invited the both of us? Me, the known criminal, and you who had some gross custom infraction that resulted in you being banned from their star system?"

He used his cane-free hand to wave off her concerns. "Bah, that was four faces ago—plenty of time to forgive such a little thing. And as for you, I'll make sure the psychic paper references a plus one." He waved his cane over the lock on her cell door. "They have the best chocolate in the universe and The Screaming Comets—royal house band—are playing." He grabbed her by the wrist, yanked her out of her cell, and twirled her into the TARDIS. "And I feel like dancing."

River couldn't help but laugh; his joy was infectious, as usual. She quickly bounded her way up to the console and lovingly ran her hand along the metal. "Hello to you, too."

The TARDIS thrummed a greeting back as the Doctor threw levers and twisted knobs. "Forgot to ask," he started without taking his eyes off the controls, "where are we according to you?"

"Funny you should ask; it was another royal dinner." She paused for a moment, not wanting to give too much away. "This one won't involve a pet shop, will it?"

He smiled. "No."

"What about you?"

"Can't say last time I saw you then."

"Spoilers?" she asked with a curious grin.

"Indeed," he answered with a final flourish.

Her eyes turned to the monitor as the Doctor suggested she go change. "The green dress is in the wardrobe in its usual spot."

"Not this time," she responded.

"Excuse me?"

"I wore that last time. A girl needs to switch it up every now and then, and besides," she paused to point to the monitor providing a readout of Sanzard IV, "it's a giant ice ball."

"So?"

"So your favorite dress is sleeveless and low-cut."

"Why d'you think it's my favorite?" He retorted with a waggle of non-existent eyebrows.

River rolled her eyes in return. "Sweetie, I'll freeze, and then I'll have to wear your coat over it, and that will just ruin the look."

"Well, if you have to wear something else, I guess there are other options in the wardrobe."

She sighed, "I don't know… I've looked through them all before. I' was thinking about something new."

His face fell. "Shopping? You want to go shopping. River, there's going to be phenomenal chocolate. And dancing."

"Yes, dear, if only you had a machine that could still get you to the same point in time whether or not you went shopping first. Oh, wait…"

"But I've already got the coordinates laid in."

"You know for someone who looks so young, you can certainly act like a cranky, old man."

"River, I _am_ a cranky, old man." He sighed and pouted his bottom lip out slightly. "Fine," he huffed, "where do you want to go?"

"New Paris," she suggested with a gleam in her eye.

"Absolutely not. I'm not sitting around waiting for a haute coteur dress to be made for you, even if the aliens they employ as seamstresses have twelve fingers on each hand."

"Fine. New London?"

"Which one?"

"Forty-second century, when they migrated to that binary system."

The Doctor scratched his cheek a moment before nodding and rearranging knobs and levers to fit their new destination. "Acceptable, I suppose."

"Thank you, Sweetie," she replied as she moved around to his side of the console and kissed his cheek. "I'm going to go change, and then I'll be ready."

"You have to change clothes in order to buy new clothes?"

"It's shopping!" She replied giddily, bouncing lightly on her feet that caused a wave of motion to ripple through her curls. "I can't go out looking like this," she answered moving her hands down to emphasize the fact that she was still in her usual prisoner garb.

"Fine, but be quick please. I really don't want to spend all day there." A smile formed on his face, tell-tale sign that an idea popped into mind. "Why don't we pick up your parents first? You and Amy can go shopping; Rory and I can go do manly things together."

River rolled her eyes. "Nope, this is just going to be the two of us. Normally you don't mind."

"Normally I don't want your parents to know what we're doing."

"Fair point, now I'm going to go change and you're going to take me shopping."

"Fine," he sighed.

She bounced her way back to the wardrobe and found her green jodhpurs with matching shirt that billowed out like a parachute when she spun. Pulling on a pair of brown boots, she gave herself a quick once over in the mirror before heading back to the control room. As she entered the room she felt the shudder and heard the telltale whine of brakes letting her know that they'd reached their destination.

"What's the current currency here? I can't remember."

The Doctor waved her off. "Between my psychic paper and the sonic screwdriver we should be able to make our way. I never carry cash, and I certainly don't want you using your hallucinogenic lipstick to kiss your way to a new outfit."

"Oh sweetie, you never let me have any fun," she pouted.

"What am I doing right now?" he asked with mounting frustration evident in his voice.

Feeling slightly guilty, but only a teensy bit, she kissed his cheek before dashing out the door and moving to a map of the shopping center. "I promise to be as quick as I can." She ran her finger along the hologram projecting the layout of the shops until she found the one she was looking for. "You'll do," she said quietly to herself before grabbing the Doctor's hand in hers. "Come along."

They swiftly darted in and out of gatherings of pedestrians as they made their way along the corridor of shops. Counting down the entrances, River smiled when she found what she was looking for. "Ah, here we are. In you go," she lilted as dragged the Doctor into the store. She could nearly hear him roll his eyes as they began wading through rack after rack of dresses.

She ignored him and began skimming through the hangers fitted with gorgeous gowns. Grabbing several, River led them to the changing rooms. "Have a seat, and I'll come out and model for you."

He pulled her quickly to his side and leaned in, "Can't I come and watch you change instead?"

River quirked an eyebrow at the idea, but shook her head. "Not this time."

The Doctor sighed and slumped into a chair next to an older gentlemen who had four large shopping bags at his feet. As River made her way into one of the rooms, she overheard bits of a conversation the two men started. Her ears picked up on words like "drag" and "ball and chain" and immediately began to devise plans of revenge.

Turning her attention to the clothes, she pulled the first one off the hangar. A tight, deep blue number whose collar and cuffs were lined with fur. While it had looked good on the hangar, it didn't work well with her figure. And it didn't offer a spot to easily hide a gun—a definite no. She was in the process of zipping up the second dress, a cream gown knitted of fine yarn that was light enough to move almost like silk, when she heard the Doctor's voice.

"Are you almost done in there?"

She shook her head and opened the door to the dressing room. Moving out to the waiting area, she twirled in front of the Doctor who plastered a fake smile on his face.

"Looks great; let's go."

River tutted at him, "Not so fast, there's still a few more to try. And I can tell by your face that you aren't crazy about it. "

The Doctor slumped in his seat and pointed at the man sitting next to him. "This is Howard. Howard doesn't want to be here either. Howard is going to be my date to the dinner if you don't move things along."

Ignoring his threat, River slowly made her way back to the dressing room. Her hand drifted to a black number. She had a good feeling about this one, and had wanted to make the Doctor wait a bit longer, but her own excitement to see herself in the dress overcame her. Floor-length, she felt it was a compromise to the Doctor's desire for her to wear the green dress in frigid conditions. It also had a v-neck cut in the front with glittering crystals lining both sides. The arms were sheer, but there was a detachable fur slip in the skirt that would keep her warm enough, and the skirt flowed out from her when she walked just enough to make her look graceful and to sufficiently hide any holstered weapons attached to her thigh.

As she approached the Doctor she saw his face flash back to another time and place. "I take it you've seen this dress before?" she asked.

He nodded, pulling himself out of the memory. A frown quickly flittered across his face. "And that you would kill me a second time if I didn't make sure you had the proper shoes to go with it." He stood and leaned in close once more, "And I have a number of ideas for those shoes myself."

A grin spread across her face. Dirty thoughts and shoe shopping: what more could a girl ask for?

His sonic screwdriver quickly took care of payment, but they were hampered by trying to find the right shoe store. An hour later she heard the Doctor proclaim a shout of success as he held up a pair of deep red heels.

"Oh, Sweetie," River said as she took the shoes from him. "These are gorgeous."

"So are you," he returned.

She found the correct size, and couldn't wipe the smile off her face when she tried them on. They were utterly divine. She was going to have to find more outfits to go with them.

As they exited the shop, she turned to head back to the TARDIS when the Doctor grabbed her wrist. "Not so fast," he said.

"But I thought you couldn't stand being here another second?"

"Oh I'd much rather take on a battalion of Sontarans than be pulled along on some shopping excursion, but if you get to have new clothes, then why can't I?"

"You're not replacing the bowtie, are you?"

A soft smile crossed his face as he reached up to caress her cheek, "Of course not," he spoke softly before returning to his exciting idea, "but I think I am due for some new accessories."

River shook her head, "I've seen some of those accessories, and I think it might be best for all involved to walk away."

"I really think I need something new. Sunglasses, perhaps?"

"You spend most of your time inside the TARDIS."

"A new scarf? I never wear scarves anymore."

"You're wearing one right now," she replied while pointing at the ivory scarf that he always wore with his tux.

"No, that doesn't count. That's part of ensemble; I'm talking about something that will really stand out."

River shook her head. She'd seen the scarf an older version used to wear. The thought of his clumsy current regeneration trying to wear it was terrifying.

"Or I could always go for a new hat," he said with a sly smile.

"Only if you want me to immediately shoot it off your head."

"Oh River, c'mon and have some fun." He turned on his heel and led her down the corridor.

The first store they entered was so overrun by an onslaught of garish colors that River immediately protested. "Oh, I don't think so."

"I took you dress and shoe shopping, you can return the favor."

"But what about the band? And the chocolate?"

"I have a time machine, remember?" he replied with a smirk.

River tried to ignore the knot of dread forming in her stomach and tried to find a quiet, dark corner to hide in. She required a certain standard for fashion, and nothing in the shop came even close to it. The Doctor on the other hand was having a grand time rummaging through a bin containing t-shirts, each with a different cartoon character on them. Her internal alarm system began to sound as she noticed that he had started draping a number of them across his arm. "What are those for?"

"These are the ones I'm going to purchase," he answered while digging deeper into the pile.

Her mind began to spin as she tried to determine the best course of action of leaving the shop as soon as possible without any of its wares. "When are you planning on wearing them?"

He shrugged, "Whenever."

"I don't think that's the best idea. What if you meet a race that is easily offended by cartoons? What if you go back in the past and tip off someone what entertainment will be like in the future and change that person's future?"

"But River, look at these. They're fantastic!" He paused a moment, his mouth physically mulling over the words he'd just said. "Haven't said that in a while." He then gasped and snapped his finger. "New idea," he proclaimed as he dumped all the shirts back in the bin.

River didn't know whether to be relieved or become even more terrified. "What would that be?"

"I've gone too long without a leather jacket. Let's go find a new one."

"Do you really think a leather jacket and a bowtie will work well together?"

"Rule number four-hundred-and-seventy-three: Make it work. Learned that one from one of those fashion shows Amy always watches."

Before she could say anything, not that she had a clue as to what to say, the Doctor once more took her by the hand and marched down to another section of the center. Immediately he was drawn to a brown leather jacket. "Oh look River, it has fringe hanging from the sleeves! Definitely cool."

"Sweetie, that's not a good thing."

"Surely it's fashionable at some point in time. Why else would they have it?"

"Just because it is fashionable during a certain time frame doesn't mean it's a good idea to wear."

The bickering and shop hopping continued. Among the stops were naturally a hat shop (River managed to restrain herself and there weren't any casualties), a thrift store with a plethora of hideous jumpers (mutterings about Rory's murderous, alien patients stopped him there), and a shoe shop where the Doctor tried to find some cowboy boys to go with the Stetson but thankfully they weren't in fashion nor production at this point in time. Honestly River considered herself incredibly lucky that all he'd actually bought so far were half a dozen pairs of outrageous socks.

He was about to drag her off to the food court for a sampling of various so-called delicacies when she reminded him of the whole reason they'd come there in the first place. There was a banquet waiting on them, with actual delicacies. And chocolate. And music and dancing.

The Doctor shrugged, "Alright, but there's still one more place that we have to go."

"And where is that?"

"The pet shop. You always have to see the puppies and kittens when you go to the mall."

"You said this trip wouldn't involve a pet shop. I'm not too keen on mixing royalty with animals again."

"Rule one, River. And remind me never to take you to court on Baralis Prime." He pouted his bottom lip out slightly, "Please, River?"

She shook her head in exasperation. "You are a seven-year-old trapped in an adult body, you know that don't you? Fine, but we're not buying anything. You'll make all these promises to take care of it, but it would be me taking it for walks. And I can't keep a pet in Stormcage."

"No, no, I won't buy anything. Had a dog once, very self-sufficient. He'd be a tough act to follow. A cat on the other hand. I do like cats…"

"No."

"C'mon, we could see if any of them have manes as glorious as yours. Ow! River I was joking. No pinching. That is now rule five-hundred-and-six."


End file.
